A Brief Herstory

I suppose I owe myself, and everyone reading, a back story of sorts. For posterity as well as a record of how I got here. I did say this was a journal about a Lightworker in this new energy so it’s time I started writing. Pretty much anything before 2012 is just part of my history and I’m sure many stories will make their way here, since this really is about healing old wounds and moving forward. It’s hard to say when the shift occurred but I remember a few very specific moments that are important to this story. That’s not to say every single moment didn’t play a part, only that these two are set apart because of their meaning and it’s important to acknowledge the synchronicity.

In 2012, Thomas was away at prison. I’m not sure how long we were into his sentence but I must have hit a pretty hard low. One night I was so lost and in despair, I pounded my fists against my laptop keyboard creating two permanent indention’s. My computer was never the same. During the time he was gone I was seeing 11:11, a lot. There wasn’t a bunch of information on it as I remember looking it up but nothing really struck me. Thomas came home as scheduled and we went on about life but 11:11 was always in the back of my mind. It wouldn’t be until much later the number 11 would show itself again, and in spades.

The second time 11:11 came to me was in July 2017 when Thomas and I were visiting his mom in Nevada. His step-father had just passed away and we were helping her with the estate. Several unusual things happened during the three months we were back and forth and for me, they changed the course of my life. 11a35ca1-b0c2-463c-877b-f495a4715c1fOne in particular was when Thomas stayed in NV and I was home in NM. It was a beautiful sunny morning in June and I was sitting in the back yard enjoying some fresh cannabis. As my mind started to wander, I was thinking about all the unusual experiences I had been having and wondered how do I share those and not sound like I belong in a straight jacket on medication. I was having these amazing experiences and wanted to share them but realized I had no one that would really understand. I ended up in a meditation of sorts and my thoughts started to turn dark. As I continued to remember some of the more outlandish ones the more fearful I became of sharing my truth. At some point my thoughts went to a really dark place and I knew, without a doubt, that if I continued down the road of fear I would manifest my demise in a mental facility and it scared the shit out of me. I could see everything I would be losing, including the freedom to make my own choices. I could see myself in a straight jacket, strapped to a bed and in an observation room with windows. It was crippling and  it almost became my reality. I felt myself slipping away and every dark thought perpetuated another and eventually, my thoughts shifted to suicide. My darkest moment came when the ultimate fear crept in and I started thinking this would be my future because I couldn’t stop the spiral and suicide was the more pleasant option.

I believe I had a spirit with me during this experience. One that committed suicide and was trying to show me what it’s like to have these uncontrollable and extreme thoughts and the dangers of saying the wrong things to the wrong people. It shut me down and I think I was literally scared awake. It took a long time but I became aware of the thought process and where it was leading me and I chose to get up and go take a shower. I sincerely felt I just had a battle with the devil and I needed to clear my head and recharge. The shower is my meditation space and I have the best conversations with my guides there. I’m sure in many lifetimes and in many different situations, I’ve been held against my will and in this one it’s not my destiny to go like that. My fear of not being able to acknowledge or even explore who I am without others judging me and deciding for me what was best is a karmic struggle. I knew the shower would be much needed, I just didn’t know that it would be another opportunity evaluate who I was.

The event shook me up so bad, I couldn’t get it out of my head while I was in the shower. I kept replaying scenes and feelings and then I would remember why I pulled out of it. And then I would replay them again, and again I would be reminded of why I chose to not participate in the process. I cried in pain, I cried in confusion, I cried in guilt, I cried in hopelessness. It was a struggle for the first two-thirds of my shower and eventually I got the courage to believe it wasn’t my future. Then I started to cry in joy, happiness, gratefulness and awe mixed with doubt and lack of direction. Once I truly started to believe I was not meant to live that life and was determined not to live in fear, the heaviness started to lift. I could feel myself start to grow taller and stronger. More calm yet ready for a fight. I thought it would be a battle with myself over my self and, as I stepped out of the shower feeling empowered and confident, I knew I could change myself for my self. I threw open the shower curtain and said, “Fucking bring it!” Little did I know there was another message waiting for me. Let’s just say, now I know better. Messages are everywhere, this day just happened to be Universe giving me a gentle redirection.

As I got out of the shower I felt the need to thank the spirit that was with me. However that experience happened, I just let it roll and was truly grateful for the intuition and guidance. She visits often when there are lessons for me to learn, especially when it comes to playing / working in the field of energy and metaphysical realms as well as relationship issues. It’s because of her and stories about her I’ve been able to navigate my path a little better.

Just reeling from two big experiences I headed to my dressing room to get dressed and was hoping for a break on the emotional roller coaster. Before I even walked in the closet I decided I needed some good music to improve the vibe. My eyes were puffy and swollen from crying and I was in this happy but weird and confused space. I was hoping music would push me towards my happy place so I could put the experiences I had just had behind me. It wasn’t but a few minutes before I was hit again. I can’t remember what song was playing but at some point I felt this surge from inside, like a tidal wave building and I heard a voice ask, “Are you ready to share your experiences and be a light and inspiration for those around you?” The question knocked me to my knees, literally. I was not prepared for this. I started crying again as a wave of emotions came flooding back. I had no idea what this meant or what I was supposed to do with it but I knew this was not a time to lose my faith, my courage, nor my vision of who I am and who I wanted to become. I’m not going to lie, I had to think about it first though.

As I was on my knees and crying, I was having this simultaneous conversation with myself and what I can only describe as my higher power about why I was afraid and didn’t think I could do what was being asked, even though I had no clue what was really being asked. Every time I had an excuse of why I couldn’t or didn’t understand, I was reminded of all the reasons why I should and intuition told me I knew better. I was reminded that I’ve been a teacher, a writer, a wife, a mother, a sister, a lover, a friend, a daughter, and everything in between over many lifetimes. I was also reminded I have screwed up some of those roles so badly, I’ll never be able to make amends to those I’ve hurt and the lessons can still sting. It is in those memories of pain and suffering that keep me thinking I’m not worthy of being a teacher to anyone, as if those mistakes don’t count towards my education. It was then I was reminded of how strong I actually am and what I have to contribute is worthy. I was asked again, “Are you ready to share your experiences and be a light and inspiration to others? There are people who need to hear you.”

I felt like I had just gone ten rounds in a spiritual sparring match except I hadn’t even thrown a punch or gotten hit. I was on my knees and emotionally spent. I don’t think there was ever a doubt as to what my choice would be but to not question it would have been foolish and not my style. As I started to rise and claim my place in this world I felt a sense of encouragement and peace knowing that everything would work out and in time I would be given more information. It was the following month in July while back in NV that I saw 11:11 on my mother-in-laws oven clock and it felt like a time warp back to 2012. I immediately remembered my first experience and wondered what they had in common. It was quickly revealed 11’s play a big role in my life and so began my introduction to numerology.

It’s been a little over a year since that day and I think of it often. The details have started to slip but I can still feel the emotions tied to it and the path reveals itself when it’s ready. Since then, the books I’ve read, the experiences I’ve had and the people I’ve met have led me here and played a huge role in my shift. I’m still not quite sure what I’m doing and I don’t have all the answers. All I know is every day I’m given opportunities to do things better. Every day something, someone, or some situation comes to me that represents my past choices and I can either see them for what they are and change my behavior or I can continue doing what I have been doing, living in fear and just surviving.

I have been contemplating this blog for months and what it’s purpose is and lately I’ve been getting signs to start exploring it more. This morning’s reading is just confirmation that I am in the right place to start sharing and being a light and inspiration to others. It has been a very active year and much of it needs to be reflected on. So many lessons for me and I think they can help others, not to mention the daily’s that still occur. When I started Blue Feather Muse back in November 2017, my original idea was to collaborate with artists and showcase their work. I would have these moments of awe and had a hard time describing them so I wanted other artists to portray them in their own way. In return for their work I wanted to set up an account for donations that would go to each artist. It was my hope that people would donate money to help enrich the artists lives. Let’s just say, it didn’t take long for me to see that wasn’t the purpose of this. During the first six months my journal entries became weird as I explored different avenues and found the blog to be a mess of thoughts and unfinished ideas. It’s been sitting stagnant for the last six months.

This past year has brought me some very spiritual, mental, and physical experiences that have changed my life and these past six months have moved fast. My twin flame connection to Thomas has proved to be the catalyst for this shift and while I thought everything was coincidence I now view everything as synchronicity with purpose and manifestation. I’ve become a work in progress vegetarian who lost seventy pounds over the course of six months and I still struggle with my food choices. I’m a student learning to channel energy in to stones for healing so that others may benefit as well while hoping to create a thriving business. I’m my own counselor who is able to practice with family and friends so I can become a better communicator and clear karmic bullshit. Everything I am working on for my soul’s evolution are things that probably everyone struggles with. Communication, fear, relationships, kids, husband, work, money, sex and death… it’s called life and it’s filled with opportunities to evolve. For so long, I’ve been operating out of fear which has kept my evolutionary progress hindered and divinity obscure.

I’d like to think that with all this work I’m doing on my self, my next life will be much easier to remember who I am. I will be able to enjoy the true beauty of any life I choose to create without the hard lessons from my previous ones. I am choosing to do the hard work this time around so that I can help myself and others evolve. We are in a major shift on this planet and I intend to be on the side of compassion and consciousness. My views and practices may not be for everyone and that’s OK, they aren’t meant for everyone. This is more for me to go back and watch my progress and history. I’m one of those people who like clear communication and validation so I did a second reading, just to be sure I was on the right track. And here we are…  If anyone finds anything they can use, take what you need and leave the rest.



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Blue Feather Muse

Finding my place in this world where I can just be me and make a difference.

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